I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
