rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize