took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's like God shit irony all over that family
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
