if you like me you must not know who I am
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
