Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
