So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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