It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
