My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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