happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
