apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize