i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
