we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
