her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
