TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!