I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
