also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
