WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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