I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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