Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
