He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
