I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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