I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down