This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face