Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.