You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
