Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
