After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
