i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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