I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
