last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.