a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.