I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
