i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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