i wish my penis had a tongue
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
