my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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