I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
