life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My vagina just recognized that song.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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