Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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