ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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