Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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