When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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