u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
