I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
