Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song