I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
