don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
