do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
