this boner is exhausting
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
