Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.