I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
