i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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