he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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