And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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