This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
