I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
